Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
