I accidentally had phone sex last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
