There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
