I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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