well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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