I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
