Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize