dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
