So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
