i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
