do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
