I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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