life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
