Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
