I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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