Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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