no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
