I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
