I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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