it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
this boner is exhausting
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
