need another drink. this is the easiest way
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
