i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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