when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
