I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
