So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
