i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
