Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
