she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
