I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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