Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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