Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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