Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
