I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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