I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
