You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
