I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
