my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm getting married
To pizza
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
