if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
