a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
