Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
