if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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