He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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