Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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