just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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