eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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