i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
