When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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