My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
