So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
