I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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