I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize