when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
