i permit you to call me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
