It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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