I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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