just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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